This book has been on my TBR list ever since I watched Susan Cain's TED talk.
When the audio file showed up at my library I quickly added my name to the list and was delighted to listen to it this week. I do not have a hard copy of the book and I had to finish listening in a short period of time. Due to those factors this review is not going to be full of quotes only full of impressions.
I am glad I finally read this book and I think it is an important book for introverts and even for extroverts to read. While the book discusses scientific studies, the author also uses many personal anecdotes. For the most part, I found those helpful. I was slightly put-off by the intensely "quiet" way Kathe Mazur read the book. It was distracting.
Yesterday, the book inspired me to retake the Myers-Briggs personality test where I once again came out INFJ. The book helped me to feel that some of the personality traits that disturb me the most in myself might not be bad. Now I am trying to decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I not only come out as an "I" but as 100% "I." The book especially gave me insight into 3 areas: church, homeschooling and marriage.
I had decided this year that I like my church even though it was taking a long time to get involved. If we stick around for the long haul then I will feel more connected in the natural sequence of things. I participate in extra things where I am able but I have stopped stressing over fitting in. The book made me feel that this is a good plan. In 10 years I will know more people and I really like the people I know already. Last Sunday our church added in the old "greet those around you" schtick. I felt like I was going to curl up into a ball. I almost have a rule about not going to churches that do this. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how to handle this in the future. The most appealing plan is to sit with my head between my legs until it is over. Plan 2 is to go to the bathroom before it happens but I need advance knowledge for that plan to work and last week took me by surprise. I know it should not be THAT big of deal but it is. I need 10 years to meet people not 2 minutes.
While Susan Cain does not ever mention homeschooling its absence is glaring when she addresses helping introverted children find a quiet learning environment. I was particularly encouraged by the chapter explaining how we, as humans, become proficient at something. It takes thousands and thousands of hours. This clearly gives homeschoolers an edge. We are the only people left in America with any hours to spare. The hours Andrew spends on the guitar and the hours Alex spends throwing the ball against the wall (with a deep gulley behind him lending urgency to skill) are the keys to building true ability. This is where I say AGAIN: guard your time! Guard your children's time. Not all children are introverts but all will benefit from time to develop proficiency in something. Something is not everything.
When my husband speaks, I often do not answer. This has been a problem. My family likes to call me "Jim" when I do this because my dad is the same way. When I was growing up I would ask my dad if I could do something and he would not answer and then 30 minutes later out of the blue he would say, "Yes." I even do this with email. I realized yesterday I was thinking about an email a friend sent me a few weeks ago. It was a very touching email about her family situation and I had thought about it much since then......but I had never answered her. Instead of answering I had thought. My husband, naturally, likes a response when he says something but I need time to process and think. I hope from our talks about this book he will learn to not take this personally and I will learn to answer more readily. I find this very, very difficult.
As an introvert, I treasure my extroverted friends. I admire their easy grace and ability to make small talk. I know that because of my introversion I am not always the best friend. This makes me sad but I am thankful for those of you who stick with our friendship anyway. I need you.
I read the book and enjoyed it much too, though I have to smile a bit at the so called 'scientific research', and those genetic studies...
ReplyDeleteI am an extrovert that has been nicely tamed by an introvert. My best friends are INTROVERTS with capital letters. I love the life of introverts, and they bring the best in me, for I like serious talk, not small talk, though being able to make small talk helps me some times, and it helps me glue people in a loving mess!
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ReplyDeleteCindy,
ReplyDeleteHere's the most important principle I learned in dealing with my own introversion: you don't need to accept the premises of a situation, you just need to deal with it.
In the "turn and greet" situation, I simply dismiss the premise that one can get to know someone else through a few minutes of chatting--and then chat with the person in question until the preacher can no longer stand being ignored, which usually isn't very long. I don't need to agree with the extroverts that the chatting is meaningful, I just need to chat, something I've learned to do over the years. (Best strategy: ask about the other person--if you've lucked into chatting with an extrovert, you're done!)
Similarly, when asked a question that needs pondering, I reject the premise that simply asking a question entitles one to an immediate answer--but politeness does entitle them to an acknowledgement. I've found that an immediate response of "I don't know" or "I'll have to think about that" goes a long way with extroverts. Often they don't even care much about the actual answer, they just want to know that you heard them. Plus, when they really do need or even expect an answer right away, not answering can just as easily passive-aggressiveness as introversion, so I like to make it clear right away that I really don't know or really do need time to think.
I don't quite understand it but I can turn and greet people and chat and even make small talk but I feel almost as if I will have a panic attack. I feel this way before I speak in public also but I do get over it and enjoy the experience. I just find that it makes me dread going to church.
DeleteCindy, I have a hard time with meeting new people and I also am impatient with small talk, which makes it hard in most social situations. But I want you to know that when I finally introduced myself to you on the last day of the Circe conference last July, you were very welcoming and warm and kind. You greeted me in a way that reached out beyond being an introvert. Perhaps you were in a comfortable situation and knew your role in a way that helped you reach out? I find that makes a difference for me. Anyway, thanks for being warm and friendly!
ReplyDeleteSally,
DeleteMeeting you was one of the highlights of the conference for me and I was sad we did not get to spend more time together. Circe is my one non-introvert enjoyments. It is like a wild Bacchanalia for my quiet soul. I couldn't do it more than once a year but it is so fun while it lasts.
While I have decent intrapersonal skills (talking with one or two people whom I know well), I also cringe at the idea of "social" events. It has only been recently that I no longer feel guilty about feeling uncomfortable at church. I want to be there to worship, but the social stuff is difficult. It has gotten easier as I've gotten older. As God has grown my capacity to love other people more than myself, I am able to come out of myself when the need arises.
ReplyDeleteIt recently occurred to me, after 19 years of home schooling, that homeschooling tends to draw introverted parents, or folks who would like to withdraw from the world. Unfortunately, I only have two children (out of six) who got the naturally introverted gene. It's always funny to me to meet the extroverted home schoolers. They are absolutely miserable if they aren't running around all the time, but if it weren't for my extroverted friends inviting my poor children to things, we would probably be hermits.
I am an semi-extroverted (when I took the test in school, the counselor said he'd never seen anyone so close to the mid-line in every category) homeschooling mom/journalist married to an introvert engineer. Can you imagine how many of my questions go unanswered? : ) I read this last year and have highly recommended it to all my extroverted friends, for the sake of the introverts in their life. I was especially struck at how true her observation that because extroverts speak more loudly and quickly over the years, they have shaped so significantly the public education system and curricula. The very structure benefits extrovert children. I loved every part of my public school "system", and my husband, who is much more intelligent than me, learned to hate it. I ended up with a full-ride to college, while he - who could've easily qualified for that much and more - was pushed aside, sent to vocational school and told he couldn't be a machinist and go to college for engineering. The book, and your comments about guarding our childrens' TIME, are 2 things I go back to in the "is this the right choice?" moments of homeschooling.
ReplyDeleteI could have written your comment. I am semi-extroverted, married to an introverted engineer (have you met any extroverted engineers? LOL). I did not know how to enjoy my solitude until I met my husband.
ReplyDeleteAs a hs mom, I am not always running around, though, LOL. I have learned to guard and cherish my time, our time at home, and we love the homey playdates here or at my introvert friend's home.
As a former public school teacher, I see that of schools shaped by extroverts. I do not enjoy that part of extroversion.
IMO, we, extroverts, have the same feelings when meeting others, even if we appear at ease, or react by talking, or making small talk. I mean to say that, when confronted with meeting strangers, introverts may get blocked, extroverts decide to take control of the conversation, and that is an strategy to cope with the always intimidating act of coming out of our own persona and bridging to others. There are myths related to the extroverts, and I could, if I had the talent of the author, write a book about how it is that, not only the extrovert, but the materialistic and aggressive extrovert, is the type who prevails, and why it is more than extroversion, but a twisted way of exacerbating extroversion, what is causing this loud and empty culture, or the banal socialization that is claimed to be the only socialization going on in some institutions (school, college, businesses). A true extrovert (if there is such a thing, and if I am such a person, which I don't know anymore), values introversion as much as the author said she needed extroverts when she went to those sessions with mainly or only introverts. A balance, and the best of both types traits, is what we both look for.
And yes, many questions go unanswered in my household, LOL. Sometimes I get frustrated, but I am finally "getting it".
I think I need this book.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I've ever been a part of a church that DIDN'T "exchange the peace of Christ." Catholic (as a very young child), Lutheran, Baptist, Presbyterian, non-denominational. I find it difficult too and sometimes consider going late so I can miss it - but I really do think it's important even if I can't explain exactly why. ;) Something about corporate worship not being a spectator sport and remembering that we are one Body.
BTW, my husband doesn't answer when I speak for the same reasons you've listed and it drives me cuckoo. He's working on it.
Well, I was accidentally late to church today and missed it and maybe I thought I was getting off easy, but then today turned out to be coffee-hour-after-church day.
Deletei bought the book for kindle not long ago, so now, i doubly can't wait to read it. :) i don't think i would've guessed you were an introvert, and for some reason that makes me really glad, because lots of my online acquaintances don't know that i am either, which makes me feel a kindredship of sorts with you. just thought i'd say so. :) i didn't read your whole post because i didn't want any spoilers. and oh, in case you ever do respond to any of my comments by commenting, just know that since i have limited internet i almost never check back. so i don't comment back on your comment to my comment for that reason. that and maybe 'cause i'm an introvert. you never can tell. ;)
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Hi Cindy,
ReplyDeleteI told our pastor that if he started the stupid meet and greet crap that I was outta there. And I'm an extravert. (ENTJ) Thankfully, our pastor is an introvert and understands.
Here's an idea, Cindy: start fake coughing and wiping your nose during the meet and greet.
Amy Scott
My conscience is compelling me to clarify that I am mostly kidding about leaving a church over a meet and greet time. I thought I should say that out loud. --AS
ReplyDeleteAmy,
DeleteI was not joking when I said when visiting churches the meet and greet was often the thing that made me not want to return. I am happy my current church sucked me in before they started it :)
Hi Cindy, I came to your blog via Afterthoughts. I listened to the TED talk last year. Helped me with the 2 intros in my family - a daughter & an engineer husband :) - I'm somwhere between, depending on the people I'm with. We were part of a church for 21 yrs, moved about 6 years ago and it's now feeling like home. A friend said to me that it takes 21 yrs to form a relationship of 21 yrs - I was expecting it to happen over months. Guarding your kids time - a big yes to that.
ReplyDeleteCindy, About the waiting to answer... that is what makes using the telephone so excruciating! I love the medium of emailing - I can take my time to answer.
ReplyDelete